Thoughts from a sick mind
I knew that would get you to tune in...
I'm sick. If I'm honest I've been sick for more than a month. I fought it for awhile and then ended up in bed for a few days. I pushed too hard. I denied it. I just kept moving. I got really sick. Yesterday, I awoke to increasing swelling on the right side of my face and a high fever and it could be denied no longer. My trip to the doctor this time resulted in a diagnosis of a sinus infection, ear infection, and a prescription for a strong broad spectrum antibiotic. Oh yeah, and the rest thing. I've been finding myself crawling in to bed at 7 p.m. this entire semester so one would think I'm getting rest but it's the 2 a.m. my mind is swirling and my thoughts are on fire that have likely prevented true rest. A product of my lifelong relationship with anxiety- my body shuts down, my mind never does. It's been a very long time since I've truly rested.
So today I've been in bed. I've dozed here and there. But, mostly I've enjoyed some music and have been alone with my thoughts (and a snuggling puppy). I await the magical release of augmentin and frequently close my eyes to rest them from the headache and pressure of a swelling sinus. And, I think and think and think and puzzle and ponder and think and think some more. It's what I do.
I've been down a lot lately. I have so many reasons to be grateful but I've been down. And, I get angry with myself for feeling down because I'm so blessed. It's this vicious cycle of giving myself permission to feel sad and to mourn a few things and of internally yelling at myself to "buck up" and count my blessings. Once upon a time I felt like I was part of something big. I felt like I had something to offer. I felt like I was making a difference. Slowly, I realized that I was just becoming another part of the problem, a sticky cog in a very large mechanism. I made a painful decision to step away and I went in to mourning. I am sad that I could not offer what I had hoped. I'm sad at how it all played out, never intending to upset anyone but I did- or perhaps those people are also mourning and it has nothing to do with me at all. Anyway, I saw myself leaving some type of mark or legacy and now I see a lot of work in vain and feel that things are worse than when I started. Also, have you noticed that when you finally make a very difficult decision to step away from something that it becomes open season for everyone to tell you all the things you did wrong or to assume they understand your why's? Why are we so very unkind to each other? I digress- and this my friends is an example of the brain on fire at 2 a.m. I live through every night.
Today a music artist I've loved since as long as I can remember falling in love with music lost his 21 year old son. I grew up with him singing background on his dad's songs- Tru Dog. I find my heart breaking for him even though we've never met. I cannot fathom losing a child. I cannot understand that level of pain and for that I am grateful. I experienced distance from my child for a time and it nearly killed me. But we are reconnected and restored. So, today I processed this loss and the beautiful words of strong faith this father spoke amidst it all. I thought of this 21 year old's legacy, his mark on the world, the lives he's touching in his absence. I thought deep thoughts about what it all means and why we're here and what type of legacy I want to leave behind. How do I want to be remembered? What do I want to leave behind?
I want to be remembered for caring- even when it hurts and knocks me to my knees. I want to be remembered for trying- even when it feels impossible. I want to be remembered for taking a risk and being brave. I want to be remembered as choosing my faith above all and applying it to my circumstances. I want to be remembered by those and for those that I loved. I want to be remembered as a teacher, one of the helpers. I want to leave behind my children who are changing their corner of the world. I want to leave behind peace. I want to leave behind laughter- lots of laughter. I want to leave behind friendship. I want people to cry when I'm gone because I want our relationship to have meant something to them. But, then I want them to laugh and rejoice and celebrate a life well lived.
I think it's easier to list how I don't want to be remembered. I don't want to be remembered as someone who put things above people. I don't want to be remembered as someone who didn't take the time to stop and rest and drink in life. I don't want to be remembered as someone who was down or sad all the time and was so fixated on a legacy that they forgot to live and breathe in every moment, every opportunity given. I don't want to be remembered as someone who was afraid, who settled. I read a quote recently that resonated- if you aren't changing it, you're choosing it. I don't want to be remembered as someone afraid to change and grow.
I have had a few moments the past month or so where I felt like death. This infection will likely not take me to an early grave. I'll likely survive and claw my way back to feeling healthy and happy again. But, for now, I'll try to drink in this precious gift of time in a quiet house with a snuggling puppy and breathe in the moment. I'll try to give myself permission to think and ponder and reason through life's challenges. I'll enjoy the taste of peppermint tea. I'll enjoy the sound of music filling my bedroom. I'll enjoy connecting with friends via this laptop. I'll take a moment. I just need a moment.
I'm sick. If I'm honest I've been sick for more than a month. I fought it for awhile and then ended up in bed for a few days. I pushed too hard. I denied it. I just kept moving. I got really sick. Yesterday, I awoke to increasing swelling on the right side of my face and a high fever and it could be denied no longer. My trip to the doctor this time resulted in a diagnosis of a sinus infection, ear infection, and a prescription for a strong broad spectrum antibiotic. Oh yeah, and the rest thing. I've been finding myself crawling in to bed at 7 p.m. this entire semester so one would think I'm getting rest but it's the 2 a.m. my mind is swirling and my thoughts are on fire that have likely prevented true rest. A product of my lifelong relationship with anxiety- my body shuts down, my mind never does. It's been a very long time since I've truly rested.
So today I've been in bed. I've dozed here and there. But, mostly I've enjoyed some music and have been alone with my thoughts (and a snuggling puppy). I await the magical release of augmentin and frequently close my eyes to rest them from the headache and pressure of a swelling sinus. And, I think and think and think and puzzle and ponder and think and think some more. It's what I do.
I've been down a lot lately. I have so many reasons to be grateful but I've been down. And, I get angry with myself for feeling down because I'm so blessed. It's this vicious cycle of giving myself permission to feel sad and to mourn a few things and of internally yelling at myself to "buck up" and count my blessings. Once upon a time I felt like I was part of something big. I felt like I had something to offer. I felt like I was making a difference. Slowly, I realized that I was just becoming another part of the problem, a sticky cog in a very large mechanism. I made a painful decision to step away and I went in to mourning. I am sad that I could not offer what I had hoped. I'm sad at how it all played out, never intending to upset anyone but I did- or perhaps those people are also mourning and it has nothing to do with me at all. Anyway, I saw myself leaving some type of mark or legacy and now I see a lot of work in vain and feel that things are worse than when I started. Also, have you noticed that when you finally make a very difficult decision to step away from something that it becomes open season for everyone to tell you all the things you did wrong or to assume they understand your why's? Why are we so very unkind to each other? I digress- and this my friends is an example of the brain on fire at 2 a.m. I live through every night.
Today a music artist I've loved since as long as I can remember falling in love with music lost his 21 year old son. I grew up with him singing background on his dad's songs- Tru Dog. I find my heart breaking for him even though we've never met. I cannot fathom losing a child. I cannot understand that level of pain and for that I am grateful. I experienced distance from my child for a time and it nearly killed me. But we are reconnected and restored. So, today I processed this loss and the beautiful words of strong faith this father spoke amidst it all. I thought of this 21 year old's legacy, his mark on the world, the lives he's touching in his absence. I thought deep thoughts about what it all means and why we're here and what type of legacy I want to leave behind. How do I want to be remembered? What do I want to leave behind?
I want to be remembered for caring- even when it hurts and knocks me to my knees. I want to be remembered for trying- even when it feels impossible. I want to be remembered for taking a risk and being brave. I want to be remembered as choosing my faith above all and applying it to my circumstances. I want to be remembered by those and for those that I loved. I want to be remembered as a teacher, one of the helpers. I want to leave behind my children who are changing their corner of the world. I want to leave behind peace. I want to leave behind laughter- lots of laughter. I want to leave behind friendship. I want people to cry when I'm gone because I want our relationship to have meant something to them. But, then I want them to laugh and rejoice and celebrate a life well lived.
I think it's easier to list how I don't want to be remembered. I don't want to be remembered as someone who put things above people. I don't want to be remembered as someone who didn't take the time to stop and rest and drink in life. I don't want to be remembered as someone who was down or sad all the time and was so fixated on a legacy that they forgot to live and breathe in every moment, every opportunity given. I don't want to be remembered as someone who was afraid, who settled. I read a quote recently that resonated- if you aren't changing it, you're choosing it. I don't want to be remembered as someone afraid to change and grow.
I have had a few moments the past month or so where I felt like death. This infection will likely not take me to an early grave. I'll likely survive and claw my way back to feeling healthy and happy again. But, for now, I'll try to drink in this precious gift of time in a quiet house with a snuggling puppy and breathe in the moment. I'll try to give myself permission to think and ponder and reason through life's challenges. I'll enjoy the taste of peppermint tea. I'll enjoy the sound of music filling my bedroom. I'll enjoy connecting with friends via this laptop. I'll take a moment. I just need a moment.
Amy. You have blessed so many and been a light when days were dark and confusing. You have made a beautiful difference in more lives than you could ever know, mine included. Please know that your are loved. You are appreciated. You have left a most lovely mark on this world and I am so glad to have been a small part of your world.
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