Wandering in the Wilderness
Over the holiday break I've been trying to read more. I just finished Brene Brown's Braving the Wilderness. Anyone who knows me knows I love a good metaphor. Her use of wilderness as a metaphor throughout the book was powerful and her book serves as a mentor text for me. I love her conversational style. The book was about loneliness and the current state of our human connections. That brief summation doesn't do the book justice but perhaps it can serve as a teaser.
2017 ended with me wandering through the wilderness. My family faced loss and some unexpected and quite dramatic changes. There were moments when I felt the foundation beneath my feet would crumble and I would fall off the side of a hill crashing against tree trunks and branches on an endless roll down. There were times when I had no trail and could not see the sun to get any orientation. Those were the times I found solace in my writing, filling a journal that will never be shared. I found comfort in my family and friends, knowing I was never truly alone. I found strength in my husband who shone a light on the path when I could not make it out in the darkness. My faith was challenged and I had to begin to forge my own new trail out of the wilderness and face my fears. There is a line in one of my favorite songs that says "there's a place where fear has to face the God you know." I was forced to look at my life in retrospect and begin to redefine parts of it as I learned they were much different than my long held perceptions. I was forced to be honest with myself about fear and anxiety and how I allow it to rule my life in so many circumstances.
I had hoped that 2018 would begin with my triumphant emergence from the wilderness to celebrate and rest. It will not be. I'm still wandering, looking for signs, seeking direction. The journey has not changed significantly but the traveler has been transformed. I have clung to the promise that there will be beauty where there was ash and stone and I am seeking beauty in all I see. I am also feeling convicted to truly live what I believe in the new year. I spent the last part of 2017 examining what I believe about life and family and have had to make tough decisions about where I stand on many issues I never thought I'd face directly. Now, I feel more secure about those beliefs and my foundation and as I blaze the trail I need to live them out loud. I need to be the change I need to see and I need to be real and open and honest and display my scars so other sojourners know they are not alone. We all have pain. We all have scars. Another beloved song reminds me that the world tells us to keep all our pain inside cause no-one will understand. The last thing this world needs is someone I'm trying to be. The truth that has set me free is that I'm just a broken soul. I'm just a wandering hiker in the wilderness but in my wilderness there are places of refuge, hills that promise light, a soft breeze to comfort, smells to remind me of those people and places I love, and rocks to sit upon and catch my breath.
So, 2017 ended today with me sitting upon one of those metaphorical rocks. I had to make a very quick trip alone and I was not sure I wanted to be alone. It ended up to be the very thing my soul needed to face the new year to come. I opted for a back route away from the interstate to avoid trucks and flying slush and rocks. As I drove along there were patches of melting snow that forced me to drive slowly and sing at the top of my lungs. I shed a few tears for the year that has passed and the pain that is still present. Then I began to take in my surroundings. The sun bounced off the ice crystals. The bright light portrayed warmth and it melted some of the defenses I've built around my heart in recent months. It was there that I found hope. There are no resolutions for me this year only a promise to myself to love as I have been loved and to be brave in the wilderness knowing that sometimes being brave means being vulnerable as well.
The past year has not been complete wilderness. There have been peaks. I renewed my vows with a husband who survived cancer more than once but ending up really saving my life. I married a man who says his bucket list consists of one item- watching me tick off the items on my list. To that end this man has made enormous sacrifices. Only recently he put up with my "kid in a candy store" reaction to being on the campus of Duke University and stood on tiny bleachers, feet going numb for hours, so I could see a basketball game in Cameron Stadium from the famed student section. He encouraged me to secure a passport so we can take our first trip outside of the country this coming spring. He held me when I cried and scooped me up when I did not have the strength to stand. I am truly blessed.
My work has been another peak. I have fallen in love with my job and the work that I am privileged to carry out at my alma mater (I do bleed brown and gold though I'm quite fond of royal blue). I work with people who care about serving the state, serving education, and serving students. And the students, wow- I'm so lucky. They are fantastic. I am amazed to think about my circumstances some mornings. I stepped foot on the UW campus back in 1985 as a wide eyed 17 year old high school graduate. I am back there carrying out great work each day. It's crazy to think about at times.
There are so many other peaks, too many to count. My writing family has grown and I am supported in immeasurable ways. I am warm tonight. I am safe tonight. I am loved tonight. I want for little.
I am strengthened by counting my blessings and am ready for the continuing journey. Bring on 2018 and its path through the wilderness. It will bring twists and turns and peaks and valleys and I'll work to find hope and joy in all of it. I look forward to the travelers who will join me and walk alongside.
Happy New Year!
2017 ended with me wandering through the wilderness. My family faced loss and some unexpected and quite dramatic changes. There were moments when I felt the foundation beneath my feet would crumble and I would fall off the side of a hill crashing against tree trunks and branches on an endless roll down. There were times when I had no trail and could not see the sun to get any orientation. Those were the times I found solace in my writing, filling a journal that will never be shared. I found comfort in my family and friends, knowing I was never truly alone. I found strength in my husband who shone a light on the path when I could not make it out in the darkness. My faith was challenged and I had to begin to forge my own new trail out of the wilderness and face my fears. There is a line in one of my favorite songs that says "there's a place where fear has to face the God you know." I was forced to look at my life in retrospect and begin to redefine parts of it as I learned they were much different than my long held perceptions. I was forced to be honest with myself about fear and anxiety and how I allow it to rule my life in so many circumstances.
I had hoped that 2018 would begin with my triumphant emergence from the wilderness to celebrate and rest. It will not be. I'm still wandering, looking for signs, seeking direction. The journey has not changed significantly but the traveler has been transformed. I have clung to the promise that there will be beauty where there was ash and stone and I am seeking beauty in all I see. I am also feeling convicted to truly live what I believe in the new year. I spent the last part of 2017 examining what I believe about life and family and have had to make tough decisions about where I stand on many issues I never thought I'd face directly. Now, I feel more secure about those beliefs and my foundation and as I blaze the trail I need to live them out loud. I need to be the change I need to see and I need to be real and open and honest and display my scars so other sojourners know they are not alone. We all have pain. We all have scars. Another beloved song reminds me that the world tells us to keep all our pain inside cause no-one will understand. The last thing this world needs is someone I'm trying to be. The truth that has set me free is that I'm just a broken soul. I'm just a wandering hiker in the wilderness but in my wilderness there are places of refuge, hills that promise light, a soft breeze to comfort, smells to remind me of those people and places I love, and rocks to sit upon and catch my breath.
So, 2017 ended today with me sitting upon one of those metaphorical rocks. I had to make a very quick trip alone and I was not sure I wanted to be alone. It ended up to be the very thing my soul needed to face the new year to come. I opted for a back route away from the interstate to avoid trucks and flying slush and rocks. As I drove along there were patches of melting snow that forced me to drive slowly and sing at the top of my lungs. I shed a few tears for the year that has passed and the pain that is still present. Then I began to take in my surroundings. The sun bounced off the ice crystals. The bright light portrayed warmth and it melted some of the defenses I've built around my heart in recent months. It was there that I found hope. There are no resolutions for me this year only a promise to myself to love as I have been loved and to be brave in the wilderness knowing that sometimes being brave means being vulnerable as well.
The past year has not been complete wilderness. There have been peaks. I renewed my vows with a husband who survived cancer more than once but ending up really saving my life. I married a man who says his bucket list consists of one item- watching me tick off the items on my list. To that end this man has made enormous sacrifices. Only recently he put up with my "kid in a candy store" reaction to being on the campus of Duke University and stood on tiny bleachers, feet going numb for hours, so I could see a basketball game in Cameron Stadium from the famed student section. He encouraged me to secure a passport so we can take our first trip outside of the country this coming spring. He held me when I cried and scooped me up when I did not have the strength to stand. I am truly blessed.
My work has been another peak. I have fallen in love with my job and the work that I am privileged to carry out at my alma mater (I do bleed brown and gold though I'm quite fond of royal blue). I work with people who care about serving the state, serving education, and serving students. And the students, wow- I'm so lucky. They are fantastic. I am amazed to think about my circumstances some mornings. I stepped foot on the UW campus back in 1985 as a wide eyed 17 year old high school graduate. I am back there carrying out great work each day. It's crazy to think about at times.
There are so many other peaks, too many to count. My writing family has grown and I am supported in immeasurable ways. I am warm tonight. I am safe tonight. I am loved tonight. I want for little.
I am strengthened by counting my blessings and am ready for the continuing journey. Bring on 2018 and its path through the wilderness. It will bring twists and turns and peaks and valleys and I'll work to find hope and joy in all of it. I look forward to the travelers who will join me and walk alongside.
Happy New Year!
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