No Forest, a Whole Lot of Trees

I don't know what to expect from this post as I put my fingers on the keys.  It could turn out to be a muddled mess. I process through writing and I've promised myself to make my writing public if only to help one reader be vulnerable with their own writing identity so here I am contemplating climbing a tree.

I had a birthday recently.  The passage of time is inevitable and it brings reflection.  Life has not turned out at all as I had planned.  That's okay, really.  In some ways events have been better than I'd planned and in other ways it's just different than I had pictured life to go for me.  I thought by now I'd be in a different place, a different space, if not literally at least figuratively.  This reflection has bogged me down.  I've found myself feeling jaded and tired.  I feel like I've let people down.  I worry about failure and falling short. I've been looking at a lot of trees- focusing on every leaf, every piece of bark.  I lost my view of the forest.

I saw a movie recently where the main character opened and ended the show with a statement like this:  Today I will focus on the essential to the exclusion of all else.  His statement didn't change from start to finish but his essential did through events and reflections.  He started to see his forest. Since seeing the movie I've been repeating this statement in my head as a reminder.  I need to climb a tree. Today I took one step.  I lifted one foot. I started looking for my forest again.

Today's essential:

I worked hard from early morning and felt accomplished and tired by the afternoon.  It felt good.

I had a ten minute appointment out of town and it required about three hours of driving after hard work.  I spent that time in the car catching up with my husband (who could easily have not been with me had he not fought so hard to beat cancer repeatedly) making plans and talking through things that bother me and my worries and anxieties.  It felt good.

A few weeks ago I met with a young person who had experienced some significant difficulties in life and had gone off track.  They had corrected their course and were doing better.  I advised this person that many cared and I asked them not to wait until they were overwhelmed to ask for help.  Asking for help is difficult for all of us but I encouraged them to reach out.  I received a request for a meeting tomorrow with this person.  They believed me.  They listened.  They asked for help.  I don't know what I can offer but I will offer any resources available.  I can be of use and I connected with another human being in a meaningful way.  It felt good.



It is my nature to focus on the negative, to get bogged down in the worry, anxiety and fear.  It's my nature to focus on those I might have let down and to even invent ways I've let people down just to interrupt my sleep.  It is my nature to dissect situations and rethink decisions and allow anxiety to rule.  But, I have promised myself to define my essential and focus on that to the exclusion of all else in the days ahead.  I have promised myself to climb the tree.  I have promised myself to look for the forest.  I made these promises to myself today.  It felt good.